Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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