you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
