So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
