Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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