whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
