is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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