His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
