When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
