Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
