everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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