Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
