Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
