he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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