I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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