i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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