it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
