mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
