A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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