if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
