it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
