If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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