I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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