I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
