i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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