so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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