If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He passed out mid-signature
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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