This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
