i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She's the barista slut.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
