I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
my poor anus
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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