you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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