u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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