my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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