I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize