I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize