I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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