I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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