Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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