I bet he comes in French.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
