when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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