Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
