I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
They have beer where we have blood.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
