Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize