I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize