This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
