I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
