What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He better not be in your backpack
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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