It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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