I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
