I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize