I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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