I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
