Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
