I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
