that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
