We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
