i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
