my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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