You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Randomize