Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I think I won the penis lottery.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
