Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
