it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize
