I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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