I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
