I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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