im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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