tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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