Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
